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I don’t know my sexuality is and it’s driving me crazy.

Okay, so this is kind of long. For background information, I am currently 19, and a first year student in University of Limpopo.

For most of my life, I thought I was straight. Let me say: ‘I don’t know if I’m straight or lesbian. I got tons of crushes on boys, though none of them were serious. That was before 10th grade. That year, I had become deeply infatuated with the boy I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He was a year ahead of me, and I was too shy. My 11th grade year, he wasn’t at my school anymore because that was the first year of Varsity for him. He met a girl later that year and forget about me.

When I made it to varsity, I was shocked during the second week of varsity when I found out he and the girl were beginning to go out. I was crushed. I spend the whole of my freshgirl year and the beginning of this year getting over him, and though I’ve come a long way, I’m still getting over him in a few ways. But after him, I said I was done with boys, and though I was halfway joking, now I wonder how serious I actually was. So, for a while now, I’ve been asked if I was lesbian multiple times by many people. Just the way I live and wear clothes. Each time, I’ve answered with a resounding, “No.” I didn’t even need to think about it. I grew up as a Christian; being lesbian was a sin, simple as that. Then I started to loose interest in boys. Started to feel nothing. No feelings for them anymore.

What complicated things was that halfway through the first semester, I started to notice a really hot guy in the caurse above me and was…attracted to him. Then, a couple of days later, I began to develop a huge crush on a guy in my class. When I first realized it, I was shaken to my core, and told myself that there was no way. It wasn’t possible. Though, a week or two later, I ended up giving up on him.(lost interest. Having no feelings at all) and accepting the fact that I might be lesbian. In fact, I embraced it.

But now, I realize that I am totally into no boys anymore. But, for some reason, I am confused about boys. I don’t like them, but I don’t know if that’s because I haven’t met the right one yet (that crashed and burned) or if I am not attracted to them at all. I assumed I was and puberty kind of let me know that at first, but now I am disgusted at the thought of ever pursuing a relationship with one. But really, I want to know if I am lesbian or straight. I’ve heard of lesbian people that have one exception for a boy, but I don’t think that’s what this is. Because I still regret not being able to date the boy I was infatuated with, I don’t know if that’s because that’s just a part of life or something and I’m lesbian or if I’m actually straight. And sometimes, when I’m at school, I struggle to not look at boys the same way I used to, but I don’t know what that means, either.

I really want to just be able to say I’m lesbian, but I don’t know for sure. I know I like guys, but girls are…? After all of my research, I know that I show all the signs of a lesbian person and I’m at peace with that, but there isn’t as much focus on straight person in research so I don’t know if that’s what I am.

Loneliness

Yes im in a relationship but it feels lonely. I feel like im not enough, i feel so unwanted, i feel like im forcing things. it is me or your are no longer giving me your attention? I feel like giving up, but what I am going to do with these feelings. Did you lose interest? Your silence is slowly killing me. Why are you changing on me now? So many questions. But how am I going to get answers.. When you don’t even make time for me these days. Where did I go wrong ? I feel like you are no longer into me. I feel like you want to leave me. I wish our relationship could be the same as before. Why am I even saying “our relationship”
Cause this feels like “my relationship” I feel like I’m holding on things that doesnt belong to me. I can feel this thing so called relationship sinking

No relationship can survive without communication

You can love someone with all your heart and soul
.. but without communication, it is nearly impossible for a relationship to survive.
Once communication slows down, there’s every chance that the relationship is sinking or it’s gonna sink.
Communicate even if it’s uncomfortable or uneasy. One of the best ways to heal is to simply get everything out, when couples are having problems in a relationship, communcation is very important. Talk about it kindly and you’ll find the solution.
Communication is the lifeline of any relationship. When you stop communicating you start losing your valuable relationship.
no relationship is worth calling a relationship if communication doesn’t exist.

Why Should I Text First

first does not mean you care more about the relationship than your partner. It means you miss him/her and you feel like talking to them. But always texting first, is something else cause you’ll end up feeling like you’re forcing things.

You’ll feel like they don’t miss you. Most girls loves doing this, they still believes in fairy tales. They always expect guys to do everything. Guys also have feelings, they also want to feel special. They also want to feel loved. Texting him first won’t make him a millionaire or something. Nothing feels great like getting unexpected texts from someone who truly cherish👌❤😍

Die liefde van my lewe deur Freddy

Ek het hierdie meisie sowat sewe maande gelede ontmoet deur wedersydse vriende en ons is sedertdien en half gister. In die begin van ons vriendskap het ek haar meer motiverend oor die lewe gevind. Ek het begin om haar op haar te laat val, want sy was passievol oor die lewe. Ons het ons kant se kant en kant en ons probleme oor die lewe gedeel. Sy het my ondersteun terwyl ek in moeilike tye was, terwyl niemand daar vir my was nie, maar sy was daar, maak nie saak hoe moeilik dit was nie.

Ek het my gevoelens uitgesluit. Ek het alles aan haar toevertrou omdat ek nooit in iemand in my lewe kon vertrou nie, maar ek het haar uit alle mense gekies. Sy was ‘n groot bron van comfort en ondersteuning in my lewe. Terwyl ek wegkruip, het ek besluit om haar as my vriendin te dink. Sy het my kalm gemaak. Ek is kort getemper, maar sy het geweet hoe om my kalm te hou. Daarbenewens het ek nie baie vriende nie. Ek het die grootste deel van my tyd alleen oor my toekoms gedink.

Soms wanneer ek alleen dink oor alles wat ek in my lewe is, moet ek saam met haar wees. Ek kan myself nie oor alles behalwe gewone alledaagse dinge praat nie. Ons lyk nie in staat om enige sluiting te kry nie, en dis die probleem. Miskien is dit my skuld omdat ek haar weggestoot het.

Ek weet egter nie, hierdie hele ding oor ‘Ek gee op’ is in my gedagtes genoeg om my te dwing om te posteer om die hele ervaring te reddict. Wat laat my dink oor die toekoms en maak die keuses vir ‘n toekomstige self wat eenvoudig nie Ek het selfs die gevoel hoe sy my behandel. Ek weet nou, ek is lief vir haar en ek gee regtig om haar. Ek is bang om diep spyt te ervaar om op haar te gee. Sy is so wonderlik en verdien al die liefde wat ek vir haar het.

Ek het meer as genoeg. Ek is deur moeilike tye deur haar ondersteun. Ek wens ek kon die guns terugbring. As ek ‘n spesiale geskenk sou koop om haar ondersteuning te waardeer, sou ek bankrot gaan vir alles wat sy aan my gedoen het. Om my dankbaarheid teenoor haar sorg en ondersteuning uit te druk, het sy my gegee. Daar is baie redes om haar in my lewe te hou en nie op te gee nie. Sy sal altyd spesiale plek in my hart hê. Ek skuld haar so baie.

Tsheola

TSHEOLA

Wena maphumula digato
O hlatswa dibe txa bafiti
O phumula dikeledi txa lefase
Mang le mang wa go thabela

Mmu o a nona,
Di enywa dia phutuloga
Lafase le tlala ka bothakga bja maloba le bo tala bja mehlare.
Diphoogolo txa go swana le di nose le txe dingwe di a phaphasela legodimong

Leratadima le kganya ka mmala wa lona.
Molalatladi o kganya ka mebala ya lona.
Maru a fetogile legodimo la mathomo,
Bo xweu ba ona bo kganya go feta le kobo.

Tsheola o yo mongwe wa go bitxa lethabo.
Tsheola o komankanna.
Tsheola o a rorixwa le nyaga.

Zitha

Freddy by KG LEKGAU ZITHA
.
Mohlodi wa lethabo la ka.
Mohlatswa pelo ya ka.
Ka mehla ge ke go nagana ke ya myemyela.
Ke dirile eng mo lefaseng go thakgwa ka mokgwa o o nthakgang ka gona?
.
Dipotxixo ke txe ntxi eupxa ke tlhoka dikarabo txa txona.
Ge le hlaba le ge le dikela ke phela ke lakatsa ge nke la maloba le sa fete.
Be ke sa nagane o ka fetoga kgopolokgolo gonna.
Be ke sa nagane gore o ka fetoga seipone go nna.
.
Ke leboga bothakgo bja gago.
Ke leboga lethabo le o mphileng lona.
Kere txwela pele ka goba monna wa makgonthe.
.
Ge ele Morena Modimo wa rena ago okeletxe matxatxi a bophelo.
A gofe mahlatse le mahlogonolo.
A go gaogele ka ge a gaogela ba bangwe.
Wa go swana le wena ga se ba ba kae, ba a balwa.
.
Ka mehla o dule o gopola gore le ge ba ka go tlhoya goba ba go tlaixa, o mongwe mo lefaseng le re phelang go lona wa go lakatsa.
.
Modimo a go xegofatxe, a gofe bokgoni le bohlale.

Mahlodi

I met this girl about seven months ago through mutual friends and we have been friends since then and half yesterday. In the beginning of our friendship, I found her more motivational about life. I started to have crush on her, because she was passionate about life. We shared our up’s side and down’s and our problems about life. She supported me while I was in difficult times while no one was there for me, but she was there no matter how hard it was.

I vented my feelings. I confided everything to her as I had never been able to confide in anyone in my life, but I chose her out of all people. She was a great source of confort and support in my life. While I was in hiding, I decided to think of her as my girlfriend. She made me calm. I’m short tempered but she knew how to keep me calm. Besides, I don’t have lot of friends. I spent most of my time alone thinking about my future.

Sometimes when all I think about when I’m alone was to be with her in my life. I can’t bring myself to talk about everything but ordinary everyday things. We don’t seem to be able to get any closure, and thats the problem. Maybe its my fault because I pushed her away.

I don’t know though, this whole thing about ‘I give up’ has been on my mind enough to compel me to post to reddict about the whole experience. What makes me think about the future and make the choices for a future self that simply doesn’t even exist fet the way she’s treating me. I know right now I love her and I do really care about her. I’m scared of experiencing deep regret about giving up on her. She’s so wonderful and deserves all the love I have for her.

I have more than enough. I have been supported through difficult times by her. I wish I could return the favour. If I would buy a special gift to appreciate her support, I would go bankrupt for all she had done to me. To express my gratitude towards her care and support she gave me. There are many reasons to keep her in my life and not to give up on her. She will always have special place in my heart. I owe her so much. #Mahlodi_Ngoetjana😍